Sex Education Phase 1

As the stench of last night's kebab slowly seeps into the humble four walls of what I call 'my cell', it reminds me of a topic that has been troubling my mind; the increase in sex education in Britain over the last two decades and the seemingly correspondent rise in teenage pregnancies and STDs.

On the surface, this may not seem linked to last night's kebab, but trust me, it is.

'Sex education', as a global phenomenon, has gone through several phases over the millenia. I wish to look at these over the course of a few posts, which sadly may take the best part of a year to write as I'm bound to get distracted by insignif -

Ooo, look at that weird beetle scuttling across the skirting. Wonder if it crunches when you step on it.

Sorry, where was I? Oh, yes, well, let us begin with the dawn of mankind, our neanderthal, pre-history days ... 

Phase 1) A sexually active male would force themselves upon whatever young and fertile thing happened to be standing around, no matter how interested, willing or related they were. The gathered crowd would look on,  applaud, hoot, and wonder how they were going to take notes as writing was yet to be invented. Perhaps somebody sneezed and it sounded like 'bukkaki', and so the first word was uttered. We'll never know. Suffice to say, family members would copulate with each other in what we would now term "rampant incestuous orgies" and the resultant off-spring would be vomited upon the Earth.

This type of behaviour still happens, of course, but now we call it "being from Biggleswade". Which is possibly unfair on the people of Biggleswade, but actually it's not.

In their defence, they have an excellent swimming team and can easily use Base Fourteen.

Of course, the phase 1 described is entirely based on the discoveries of science, archeology, anthropology and people who think. If you happen to take the Biblical Old Testament view, then the first sex education went like this:

 Eve:  "Wait, I've got to suffer the pain of childbirth and you .. you do what exactly?"
Adam: "I have to learn agriculture. Oh, come one, God gave us a fair deal."
Eve: "But giving birth really hurts, and look, I really don't think our first kids are getting on so well."
Adam: "It's probably just sibling rivalry."
Eve: "How would you know?! You were made out of dust! I tell you this, Seth is the last, you're not having sex with me again."
Adam: "Fine by me. Have you seen Cain's daughter? Fucking hot ... Actually, come to think of it, where did she come from?"
Eve: " ... Haven't you some gardening to do?"

This is the pitta.