Recycling

Selfish, that's what I call it. Utterly selfish.

No, not recycling ... I'm all for that. I don't do it (except when I run out of toilet roll and there's a newspaper nearby), but just because I don't personally fling myself in the path of a harpoon aimed at a whale or spoon-feed starving children doesn't mean I'm against the concepts involved. On the other hand, I am against feeding whales harpooned children. If ever I read an article about such a horrific practice going on I may even hesitate before wiping my bottom with it.

What I think is selfish is the generally accepted norm that once someone dies, they should be cremated or buried or, worse still, left to medical science. If a load of medical students need to learn about the human body, can't we just give them a living human body? A criminal, or a banker or one of those annoying, clipboard carrying fucks who come up to you in the street and say "Can I just take two minutes of your time?" when what they should actually say is "Can I just drain away any of the money that my charity may earn by pestering you with imbecillic questions in the hope that maybe you will give me some bank account details? Which charity am I working for? Erm ... give me a sec ... What day is it?"

What is it with this weird urge to give out sweets and badges when someone makes a charitable donation?

"I made 20 pounds in that last pub. I had to give out around sixty quids worth of stickers and Chewits but at least it raised awareness."

Bollocks! Everybody is already aware of the difficulties and tragedies occuring in the world, they can't help it if apathy infects them more than an out-of-date sweet. Charitable donations do not lead to street cred.

"Wow, cool badge, dude. Where did you get it from?"
"Some bald guy was selling them. He didn't have any hair."
"Awesome. I want one. Where is he now?"
"Last I saw, he was getting the shit kicked out of him down that alley."
"If I helped out, do you think he would give me a badge for free?"

Save the badges and sweets for the people who really need them, guys!

Actually, don't. That's an awful lot of paedophiles you would be supplying.

Digression, digression, digression. Must stop doing these.

But dead people ... oops, sorry ... corpses ... Oh, come on. Brain function has gone, body is no longer reacting to any outside stimuli ... That lifeless flesh is no longer the person you loved/hated/accidently slept with and murdered one drunken night. It's meat. And what do we do with meat?

Well, we eat it, wear it, stuff it, use it as fertilizer and art ...

I choose to be selfless. Here is my wish.

When I die, I wish for my mourners to partake of a little of my flesh, pan-fried or oven baked. Gratin is optional, but permitted. To those uncomfortable with this idea, I should remind you that you are what you eat, in which case I am a pizza. To ethical vegetarians I say, your body consumes itself, you daily ingest the meat and soul of long dead things, you can not but help destroy life due to your very nature as a living being, you are - in fact - suffering the worst kind of self-delusion since Hitler figured he could make the world a better place. So eat me. EAT ME!

To vegans I say, "what the fuck are you doing here? Get back to the masochistic Hell you belong to! Ooo, look, here's an unfertilized chicken egg ... Scary isn't it, the utter lack of potential this fucking thing had RIGHT FROM THE START! Let me wave this celery in front of you and point out that it has more chance of developing into sentient life than a pot of mayonaise."

Those who partake of my flesh should donate some of the food they would have consumed that day to their nearest tramp.

Then I wish to be skinned, and my skin given to some amazing taxidermist who will put me in an amusing position somewhere. Perhaps I could forever ride the London Underground, artists moving me from tube to tube, always with a different book in my hands and a slightly different grin on my face. That would screw up the persistent commuters and tourists. This thought pleases me. Make it so.

What remains remain put in the ground. Let me do as nature insists, and grow the world. Coffins were invented to keep the outside getting in. An all-too typical act of human arrogance.

If nothing else, at least use my arse cheeks as a bike rack or something.