Air Travel. Or, I Can't Be Arsed To Come Up With A Clever Title

So, two days before the half-term elections in America and, surprise!, a crisis is averted via the security services stopping bomb-laden (a pun I am going to do my best to ignore) cargo planes from exploding over the Greatest Nation In The World If You Like Lard. Pesky terrorists get everywhere these days it seems.

Yesterday I was reminded at the last minute that taking fluids onto a plane was now frowned upon. The fact that paranoia is so rife that a man can be held at gunpoint and intensely questioned over a 48 day period for attempting to smuggle a 125ml bottle of foot de-odouriser through airport security is very sad. It's sad for our mental states, it's sad for humanity and, most of all, it's sad for my socks.

But paranoia is a pernicious thing. There was a young Asian man in front of me in the queue for the metal detector, who kept looking around nervously, fiddling with his jacket, sweating, and mumbling under his breath. I really had no choice. I followed him to the toilets after he somehow passed into the departure lounge with no one stopping him (I presume he used some kind of Islamic witchcraft to blind the personnel to his obvious threat) and stabbed him to death with the free DVD that came with the Mail On Sunday. I'd like to think another flight took off and landed safely thanks to my doings. Of course, there is the chance that he was totally innocent, but that seems unlikely.

I estimate that in ten year's time the only people getting on and off planes will be terrorists because they're the only ones with the patience for air travel and the ridiculously over-the-top (yet strangely ineffective) security measures.

This might make things a bit tricky during a hijack.

"This is a hijack. Remain in your seats and no one will get hurt."
"No, this is a hijack. Get back in your seat so that everyone can get hurt."
"Actually, this is a hijack. A proper one like. Sit or stand, we're all going down!"
"As the head stewardess, I would like to point out that I am hijacking this plane along with my elite team of ninjas I smuggled on-board. Your bombs have all been defused and we're heading for Zanzibar."
"Squark - this is your Captain speaking. We are cruising at 500 feet and I am about to crash us into the Houses of Parliament. Long live Christ!"
"This is - oh fuck it. My ears just popped."
"Does anyone have any foot de-odouriser? The bomb in my shoe is really making my toes sweat."