The other day I stumbled upon a leaflet from the Puritan Fellowship. I was very excited by the opening:
"How would you feel if your Thought Life was to be shown on National TV? What if a scientist told you that your every thought from the day you were born has been recorded and will be shown tonight on National TV? And not only that, but a website will flash across the screen during the program, directing all your friends and family to where they can watch all your thoughts about them."
There then followed some stuff about God or something, but I didn't muck about reading any of that. Time is so easy to waste away, so I immediately sent an e-mail to Kev Williams, apparently the genius behind Middleton Puritan Fellowship:
Thought Life
13/11/2010
From: Ollie Menham (olliemenham@live.co.uk)
Sent: 13 November 2010 05:02:13
To: kevwilliams@hotmail.de
Dear sir,
I read with interest the recent pamphlet concerning your group's invention of a mind-reading device that would allow a person's innermost thoughts to be broadcast on National TV. I have several close contacts who work for the BBC who would be very interested in procuring the rights to use this device. Please could you e-mail details of how much it might cost to buy out-right, and indeed any vested concerns. There is an opportunity here for you and I and selected others to make some real money from this, considering the decline of most so-called 'reality' TV into a miasma of public apathy and general ludicrissitude. I hope this e-mail does not find you late, although I understand you are a Christian organisation.
Thanking you in advance for what may be a highly profitable movement.
Oliver Menham BSC
Think Crosswise Ltd
I think the lack of response is a real shame, and casts doubt on just how 'Christian' this selfish fucker is.
Monday, 15 November 2010
Tuesday, 9 November 2010
A Brave Old World
As the government moves inexorably closer to forcing 'long-term' (long-term for who? A turtle or a daddy long-legs?) benefit claimants into voluntary work, I feel moved to make some arguments on points for and against such a wonderful/bad idea. As with everything in this world, it's all a little Michael Jackson.
No, not a peadophillic dead person. Just neither black or white.
(Quick note to Jacko fans: Paedophile means 'lover of children'. If you disagree with this term then you are clearly stating that MJ hated children and routinely beat them with a large stick.)
So, first up, let's see why this whole 'making scum-bag layabouts earn their benefits' thing may be a good thing:
1) It's essentially slavery.
Well, about bloody time. What, exactly, is wrong with slavery? Slavery built nations and pyramids, paved patois and patios, gave us such amusing turns of phrase as "cotton-pickin'", "Burn down their village", and "Well, someone shoot the goddamn useless nigger then." Anytime an empire has turned its back on the noble art of enslaving humanity, that empire has turned to dust within months or years, overthrown by a few ungrateful yobs who were slightly peeved at being forced to eat their entire families to survive.
I think. My history is a little hazy, to be honest.
Instead of being up in arms about forcing a handful to do the menial tasks that no one else can be arsed to get paid to do, let's encourage it and put up big banners saying "Slavery Works", or "I Used To Think Being Unemployed Was Bad, Now I Have To Clean Up Big Piles Of Shit."
Slavery means you and I don't have to do it. This is good.
2. No More Daytime TV.
Thank fuck. Yes, I know a lot of new-mums, pensioners, and mentally disabled people watch it, but frankly it is a plague upon the land. With the jobless forced into work and viewing figures astronomically down, we'll no longer have to put up with:
"And next, we'll explain how I became so unbearably smug while Judy will be sitting down to breakfast with some poor people. I believe they have some amusing stories to tell us about how their dog can now make perfect ashtray roll-ups."
"That's right Jonathan. And then Dr Mandrake will be explaining how infidelity can help your marriage, especially if it results in a lethal STD."
Or worse still
"I knew my wife had been unfaithful, Jeremy, when she gave birth to the AntiChrist."
"I think it's time we brought your boy into the studio so the audience can judge for themselves. And here he ... Holy Fuck, what is that thing!?"
"Mortals, the Apocalypse is nigh. Gaze upon me. Understand your world is at an end. And by the way, my first album will be released later this month, entitled 'I Couldn't Give A Holy Shit If I Tried.'"
3. People Will Stop Making Children
They'll have less time and inclination. I'll have more peace and quiet in various coffee shops.
4. The Alternative Is The Alternative Lottery
I can't be the only one who wonders why every time I go to buy a packet of cigarettes with my hard-earned cash I have to stand behind at least three smelly jobless people buying forty tickets each for a prize they are about as likely to win as I am likely to sprout tulips from my arse.
Short of enforced voluntary work, the alternative is the Alternative Lottery that requires no money to enter, only a monthly claim for benefits. For further details, please read Shirley Jackson's The Lottery. Alternatively, look up the plot summary on wikipedia so you can at least pretend to have read it.
So, that's the For arguments done. Now, why shouldn't the 'hard-done by, struggling to succeed and survive, spat upon by Lady Luck' benefit earners be forced into voluntary work? What are the down sides?
1. It's essentially slavery.
Within a few years we'll be shipping them all off to other countries in order to make a tidy profit, which is of course against their human rights. Other countries in the EU may take a dim view and before you know it, we'll be back to the bad old days of black market slave trading, where hundreds were pushed overboard in order to avoid trouble with the authorities. Imagine:
National Express coachloads of the jobless, chained together across seat and aisle, with no air conditioning or chance of leg room or even a decent window seat, singing footballing anthems as they pass through the Channel Tunnel, the driver trying not to be spotted. Shit! Too late. The French border control is waiting for them. Quick, get rid of the evidence. Shove one through the door and the rest follow, chains clinking, all to be brutally murderlised under the tyres of a passing convoy of trucks.
"What? Slaves? No sir, this is just an empty coach. Nope, don't know anything about all those dead people chained together in the road behind us, honest."
2. People Will Be Forced Into Doing Work That Is Beneath Them
Which is terrible, and not something that 99.9% of the population feel like they're doing 99.9% of the time anyway.
3. They'll Just Do A Bad Job
This could be particularly bad news if they end up working for charities.
"Yep. Samaritans. What's up? Make it quick, my coffee's already half cold."
"I just feel really low at the moment, like there's no point and - "
"Bored. Look, I've got twelve more people to speak to in order to make my quota. Be specific."
"I was raped by my father."
"Well ... hang on. Is that you, Sally?"
"Dad?"
4. I May Be On Benefits Someday
This is a staunch reason for opposition to these plans.
Clearly, this is a post designed to encourage intelligent debate. Please get in touch if you totally agree with me.
No, not a peadophillic dead person. Just neither black or white.
(Quick note to Jacko fans: Paedophile means 'lover of children'. If you disagree with this term then you are clearly stating that MJ hated children and routinely beat them with a large stick.)
So, first up, let's see why this whole 'making scum-bag layabouts earn their benefits' thing may be a good thing:
1) It's essentially slavery.
Well, about bloody time. What, exactly, is wrong with slavery? Slavery built nations and pyramids, paved patois and patios, gave us such amusing turns of phrase as "cotton-pickin'", "Burn down their village", and "Well, someone shoot the goddamn useless nigger then." Anytime an empire has turned its back on the noble art of enslaving humanity, that empire has turned to dust within months or years, overthrown by a few ungrateful yobs who were slightly peeved at being forced to eat their entire families to survive.
I think. My history is a little hazy, to be honest.
Instead of being up in arms about forcing a handful to do the menial tasks that no one else can be arsed to get paid to do, let's encourage it and put up big banners saying "Slavery Works", or "I Used To Think Being Unemployed Was Bad, Now I Have To Clean Up Big Piles Of Shit."
Slavery means you and I don't have to do it. This is good.
2. No More Daytime TV.
Thank fuck. Yes, I know a lot of new-mums, pensioners, and mentally disabled people watch it, but frankly it is a plague upon the land. With the jobless forced into work and viewing figures astronomically down, we'll no longer have to put up with:
"And next, we'll explain how I became so unbearably smug while Judy will be sitting down to breakfast with some poor people. I believe they have some amusing stories to tell us about how their dog can now make perfect ashtray roll-ups."
"That's right Jonathan. And then Dr Mandrake will be explaining how infidelity can help your marriage, especially if it results in a lethal STD."
Or worse still
"I knew my wife had been unfaithful, Jeremy, when she gave birth to the AntiChrist."
"I think it's time we brought your boy into the studio so the audience can judge for themselves. And here he ... Holy Fuck, what is that thing!?"
"Mortals, the Apocalypse is nigh. Gaze upon me. Understand your world is at an end. And by the way, my first album will be released later this month, entitled 'I Couldn't Give A Holy Shit If I Tried.'"
3. People Will Stop Making Children
They'll have less time and inclination. I'll have more peace and quiet in various coffee shops.
4. The Alternative Is The Alternative Lottery
I can't be the only one who wonders why every time I go to buy a packet of cigarettes with my hard-earned cash I have to stand behind at least three smelly jobless people buying forty tickets each for a prize they are about as likely to win as I am likely to sprout tulips from my arse.
Short of enforced voluntary work, the alternative is the Alternative Lottery that requires no money to enter, only a monthly claim for benefits. For further details, please read Shirley Jackson's The Lottery. Alternatively, look up the plot summary on wikipedia so you can at least pretend to have read it.
So, that's the For arguments done. Now, why shouldn't the 'hard-done by, struggling to succeed and survive, spat upon by Lady Luck' benefit earners be forced into voluntary work? What are the down sides?
1. It's essentially slavery.
Within a few years we'll be shipping them all off to other countries in order to make a tidy profit, which is of course against their human rights. Other countries in the EU may take a dim view and before you know it, we'll be back to the bad old days of black market slave trading, where hundreds were pushed overboard in order to avoid trouble with the authorities. Imagine:
National Express coachloads of the jobless, chained together across seat and aisle, with no air conditioning or chance of leg room or even a decent window seat, singing footballing anthems as they pass through the Channel Tunnel, the driver trying not to be spotted. Shit! Too late. The French border control is waiting for them. Quick, get rid of the evidence. Shove one through the door and the rest follow, chains clinking, all to be brutally murderlised under the tyres of a passing convoy of trucks.
"What? Slaves? No sir, this is just an empty coach. Nope, don't know anything about all those dead people chained together in the road behind us, honest."
2. People Will Be Forced Into Doing Work That Is Beneath Them
Which is terrible, and not something that 99.9% of the population feel like they're doing 99.9% of the time anyway.
3. They'll Just Do A Bad Job
This could be particularly bad news if they end up working for charities.
"Yep. Samaritans. What's up? Make it quick, my coffee's already half cold."
"I just feel really low at the moment, like there's no point and - "
"Bored. Look, I've got twelve more people to speak to in order to make my quota. Be specific."
"I was raped by my father."
"Well ... hang on. Is that you, Sally?"
"Dad?"
4. I May Be On Benefits Someday
This is a staunch reason for opposition to these plans.
Clearly, this is a post designed to encourage intelligent debate. Please get in touch if you totally agree with me.
Monday, 1 November 2010
Air Travel. Or, I Can't Be Arsed To Come Up With A Clever Title
So, two days before the half-term elections in America and, surprise!, a crisis is averted via the security services stopping bomb-laden (a pun I am going to do my best to ignore) cargo planes from exploding over the Greatest Nation In The World If You Like Lard. Pesky terrorists get everywhere these days it seems.
Yesterday I was reminded at the last minute that taking fluids onto a plane was now frowned upon. The fact that paranoia is so rife that a man can be held at gunpoint and intensely questioned over a 48 day period for attempting to smuggle a 125ml bottle of foot de-odouriser through airport security is very sad. It's sad for our mental states, it's sad for humanity and, most of all, it's sad for my socks.
But paranoia is a pernicious thing. There was a young Asian man in front of me in the queue for the metal detector, who kept looking around nervously, fiddling with his jacket, sweating, and mumbling under his breath. I really had no choice. I followed him to the toilets after he somehow passed into the departure lounge with no one stopping him (I presume he used some kind of Islamic witchcraft to blind the personnel to his obvious threat) and stabbed him to death with the free DVD that came with the Mail On Sunday. I'd like to think another flight took off and landed safely thanks to my doings. Of course, there is the chance that he was totally innocent, but that seems unlikely.
I estimate that in ten year's time the only people getting on and off planes will be terrorists because they're the only ones with the patience for air travel and the ridiculously over-the-top (yet strangely ineffective) security measures.
This might make things a bit tricky during a hijack.
"This is a hijack. Remain in your seats and no one will get hurt."
"No, this is a hijack. Get back in your seat so that everyone can get hurt."
"Actually, this is a hijack. A proper one like. Sit or stand, we're all going down!"
"As the head stewardess, I would like to point out that I am hijacking this plane along with my elite team of ninjas I smuggled on-board. Your bombs have all been defused and we're heading for Zanzibar."
"Squark - this is your Captain speaking. We are cruising at 500 feet and I am about to crash us into the Houses of Parliament. Long live Christ!"
"This is - oh fuck it. My ears just popped."
"Does anyone have any foot de-odouriser? The bomb in my shoe is really making my toes sweat."
Yesterday I was reminded at the last minute that taking fluids onto a plane was now frowned upon. The fact that paranoia is so rife that a man can be held at gunpoint and intensely questioned over a 48 day period for attempting to smuggle a 125ml bottle of foot de-odouriser through airport security is very sad. It's sad for our mental states, it's sad for humanity and, most of all, it's sad for my socks.
But paranoia is a pernicious thing. There was a young Asian man in front of me in the queue for the metal detector, who kept looking around nervously, fiddling with his jacket, sweating, and mumbling under his breath. I really had no choice. I followed him to the toilets after he somehow passed into the departure lounge with no one stopping him (I presume he used some kind of Islamic witchcraft to blind the personnel to his obvious threat) and stabbed him to death with the free DVD that came with the Mail On Sunday. I'd like to think another flight took off and landed safely thanks to my doings. Of course, there is the chance that he was totally innocent, but that seems unlikely.
I estimate that in ten year's time the only people getting on and off planes will be terrorists because they're the only ones with the patience for air travel and the ridiculously over-the-top (yet strangely ineffective) security measures.
This might make things a bit tricky during a hijack.
"This is a hijack. Remain in your seats and no one will get hurt."
"No, this is a hijack. Get back in your seat so that everyone can get hurt."
"Actually, this is a hijack. A proper one like. Sit or stand, we're all going down!"
"As the head stewardess, I would like to point out that I am hijacking this plane along with my elite team of ninjas I smuggled on-board. Your bombs have all been defused and we're heading for Zanzibar."
"Squark - this is your Captain speaking. We are cruising at 500 feet and I am about to crash us into the Houses of Parliament. Long live Christ!"
"This is - oh fuck it. My ears just popped."
"Does anyone have any foot de-odouriser? The bomb in my shoe is really making my toes sweat."
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