In the land of the compensation culture, the man who states the bloody obvious is king. Or at least is the least-sued.
'Please Mind Your Head' the sign on the low beam reads, usually hanging lower than the beam itself and creating a very nasty edge to split open your cranium on. Well, thank the Lord of Eggs and Bunnies for that sign. We all need this kind of helpful reminder on the odd occasion. Every so often the temptation to believe that I can adjust the molecular density of my body by sheer will alone becomes so overwhelming I can spend an entire day flinging myself at a brick wall in the hope I will pass through it. Only as I lie, broken and bloodied, in the back of the ambulance does it occur to me that the problem may not be that I am simply allergic to brick. If only someone had put up a sign saying "Please Mind The Wall. It Is Solid And So Are You."
In the local rag last week there was a very irate letter from a pensioner who stepped off the pavement in the town cente only to discover that a curb had been sneakily introduced by the council at some point. Into the road they sprawled, injuring their ankle, raising worry and concern from a few do-gooders and probably sniggers of derision from everyone else. Of course, they are now seeking compensation. (The pensioner, not the sniggerers. Although that would have been something of a coup: " ... so thanks to that curb I was unable to get any work done all day due to uncontrollable bouts of laughter .. " )
I'm not sure how one goes about introducing curbs where hitherto there had been none (do you raise the pavement or lower the road?), but I'm pretty sure it takes a while and is not done with the aim of tripping up biddies. I'm also pretty sure it's fucking obvious once it's been done. If you're too old or stupid to watch your step and are going to be surprised by a two inch drop that wasn't there last week then the only reason you should be leaving your house is to pay a visit to the Euthanasia Clinic.
However, no doubt by next week there will be signs all over the place reading "Warning: Road" or "Beware the Curb" or, more likely still, "Pavement Ends Soon So Please Mind Your Step As It's Quite A Drop And If A Truck Happens To Come By While You Are Lying On The Tarmac It Will Probably Explode Your Head, Yes Even If It Runs Over Your Stomach Because Of The Pressure".
Which raises the question, has anyone successfully sued a company for placing a distracting warning sign?
"Well, the punctuation was so bad I went momentarily blind and before I knew it I'd lost a leg."
It seems a cruel twist of fate that the kind of people who have these accidents and then sue are never just killed outright. If that seems harsh, then just think how much of a saner world we would live in if the makers of nuts weren't compelled to write "May contain nuts" on the packaging for nuts. Or if we could get a take-away coffee without being warned about its potential temperature and the dangerous consequences of spillage. Basically, if people took a little responsibility for their own actions.
"On a recent trip to France on Bastille Day I purchased one of your company's Baby Guillotines. Imagine my shock when I was informed that 'baby' referred to the size and that guillotining babies was in fact illegal. I am now serving life and am therefore passing this matter of misleading advertising to my solicitors."
I would not, however, object to a few signs for those dangers that are less obvious. For instance, I think we should all be reminded that the fluoride in toothpaste leads to a weakening of irony.
This is actually true.
I also believe that the title of this blog post should be placed anywhere that tectonic plates have a habit of shifting dangerously and then maybe all those bloody poor people will stop being ambushed by earthquakes.
